


anything hurts less than the quiet

by luadorr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 17:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19255783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luadorr/pseuds/luadorr
Summary: its been six weeks since bucky left, and sam is starting to believe he's not coming back this time.





	anything hurts less than the quiet

**Author's Note:**

> this is really not great but i wanted to write some angsty shit so here it is i guess? enjoy & pls let me know what you think

anything hurts less than the quiet

***

 

 

its been six weeks since bucky left, and sam is starting to believe he's not coming back this time.

 

he still reaches out every morning, expecting to feel bucky's warm skin and instead meeting cold, empty bedsheets. he still makes two cups of coffee, one with extra milk just how bucky likes it, and sits and watches it go cold. the coffee cups are building up along the kitchen counter. sam thinks he'll run out of clean ones soon.

 

he still makes bucky's favourite meals, still sets the table for two, pours out two glasses of wine. he still irons shirts for bucky every morning, and watches bucky's favourite tv shows every night. he still buys enough groceries to feed both of them, having to throw out all the mouldy food at the end of each week.

 

for a while, he still texted bucky every day, about fifteen times a day, but after the second week bucky blocked his number. now sam has to write everything he would say down in one of bucky's old notebooks, just to get it out somewhere.

 

sometimes natasha comes over to pick up some of bucky's stuff, little things he left behind. sam secretly prays every time she comes that she won't ask for the fleece jacket he has stuffed under his pillow. it still smells like bucky, and sam takes comfort in it on the really bad nights when he's so lonely he can't think.

 

sam has withdrawn from everything now; his job, his family, his friends. he has no social life, sticking to the same routine every day. he wakes up, goes on a run, showers, has breakfast, mopes around the house, has lunch, mopes some more, has dinner, goes on another run, showers, watches tv and goes to bed, every single night without fail.

 

sometimes steve comes over, tries to get him to hang out with everyone, to go on runs together again, even just to go and get a coffee, but sam always politely declines. and then they sit in silence and steve will clean the house up a bit ~~because jesus sam has let it fall apart~~ and then he'll leave and sam will be alone all over again.

 

sam assumes bucky is doing just fine, he doesn't have to deal with sam anymore, and that must be great for him. he probably hangs out with his friends all the time, goes on dates every weekend with some hot guy from tindr, goes out every night to get drunk and dance the night away.

 

sam wishes he didn't need bucky anymore, wishes he could move on. he's an adult, for fucks sake, he's been through breakups before. why does this one hurt so much? its been almost two months and he's still stuck in this pit of miserableness and gloom. he wonders if he'll ever get over bucky barnes.

 

sam's birthday is coming up, and he knows steve will try and make him have a party. aside from steve and nat, sam hasn't seen the others since the breakup, and he doesn't think he can face them. he's sure steve has told them stories of what a terrible state he's in, and they probably all laugh and think _how pathetic._

 

bucky was the best thing to ever happen to sam. before they met, sam was in such a dark, low place. he was riddled with anxieties and worries. he'd have breakdowns over the littlest of things. bucky helped him manage it, empathised with him, helped him feel better, feel normal, and now bucky is gone and sam isn't ready to go back to that bad place.

 

sure enough, the day before sam's birthday, steve shows up at his door. sam is in the middle of reorganising all the things bucky left in the wardrobe, and steve has to wait until he's finished ~~because if sam doesn't finish he'll feel sick and freak out~~.

 

"natasha wanted it to be a surprise, but i should probably tell you we're throwing you a birthday party tomorrow," steve explains calmly as sam watches him clean the countless dirty mugs lined up in the kitchen. the way steve says it is less than a question and more of a statement.

 

"i don't want a party, steve," sam replies, but he knows its no use. once steve has decided something, its set in stone. not only that, but they've probably planned everything and bought everything already, and sure, tony is rich and a little cash on a birthday party isn't much to him, but sam could never let his friends' efforts go to waste.

 

and so sam wakes up on the morning of his birthday, reaches out for bucky for the millionth time, the cold, abandoned side of the bed still mocking him just as much as it did at the beginning, and drags himself out of bed.

 

this time last year, sam woke up to breakfast in bed and a good morning kiss on the head from bucky. they spent the whole morning cuddling, got a shower together, and spent their afternoon in the park by the lake. bucky had given sam his dog tag as a birthday present, then they danced the night away at their favourite club downtown. it was the best birthday of sam's life, and now this year, sam suspected, would be his worst.

 

***

 

 

the party is thrown at tony's house, as all of their parties are. steve pulls up outside the house, with sam sat nervously in the passenger seat. steve has spent the whole journey promising sam he'll have a good time, but sam still isn't convinced.

 

they walk through the door, and sam is suddenly aware of a dozen pairs of eyes on him. natasha smiles at him sympathetically. thor and bruce let go of each other's hands quickly because they think it'll hurt sam to see them so happy together. tony and clint both look insanely uncomfortable. and sam wants to go home already.

 

tony breaks the awkward silence by heading over to steve and kissing him on the cheek, then pulling sam into a tight hug. sam melts into the man's touch. he hasn't hugged anyone since bucky left.

 

"happy birthday, buddy. come on, lets have a fucking party."

 

 

 

two hours later, sam is drunk out of his mind, and actually having a good time. tony, in character, invited a bunch of randoms, but sam's spent his whole time dancing with his close friends on the top floor, and so far he's only thought about bucky six times.

 

he and steve are in the middle of a heated debate about the best flavour of doritos when an all too familar face walks through the door. sam stops in his tracks, the whole room spinning as he locks eyes with none other than bucky barnes.

 

steve, either too drunk or too passionate about his side of the debate to notice what's happening, carries on talking, but sam isn't listening. he's staring at bucky, and bucky is staring at him, and the loud music that was blasting through sam's head merely a minute ago seems to have been drowned out by the sound of his own thoughts.

 

and then sam finds himself walking across the room, his mind not in control of his feet. he stumbles as he goes, bumping into countless strangers on the way. he finally reaches bucky and by this point his face is already damp with tears. he sways and almost falls over, causing bucky to grab his elbows and support him. sam quickly brushes the man off.

 

“you, what are you, you left, you shouldn’t be here-“ sam slurs, the whole room spinning, though he’s unsure if thats because of the alcohol or the panic attack creeping up on him.

bucky says nothing, just looks at sam sadly.

 

sam storms off to the nearest bathroom, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. why couldn’t bucky love him? why couldn’t he be right for him? why couldn’t he be more like steve? see, that was always the problem in their relationship. no matter how hard sam tried, bucky always loved steve more.

 

bucky would never admit it of course, but sam could see it. he could see it in the way bucky looked at steve when the three of them hung out. he saw it in the way bucky would subconsciously scoot closer to steve on sofas, how he’d always want to sit next to steve at restaurants and ride in steve’s car and spend every fucking minute of his life around steve.

 

and the worst part is, sam still loves bucky more than anything. seeing him now, two months since bucky walked out on him, it’s hurting him so much, and yet his heart is still oozing with love. sometimes sam wonders if he’s crazy for loving bucky barnes.

 

the bathroom door opens and sam realises he’s now sat on the floor with his back against the wall. bucky walks in and sits down beside him, so the mens’ shoulders are touching. sam’s breathing hitches. bucky’s suit brings out the blue of his eyes.

 

“i’m sorry for showing up unannounced. i just, i wanted to see you,” bucky says slowly, sounding like he’s choking on nails. sam’s finger twitches as the two men slide their hands closer together across the floor.

 

“its alright, i wanted to see you too,” sam mumbles, and then he laces his pinkie with bucky’s. the pair sit in melancholy silence for while, the only audible sound being the dripping of a tap and sam’s heavy breathing.

 

slowly but surely, bucky laces the rest of his fingers with sam’s and the men are now holding hands. neither of them can bear to look at each other; sam’s eyes are glued to the wall, while bucky’s dance around the ceiling.

 

“sammy?” bucky squeaks suddenly.

 

“yes?”

 

“i’m sorry.” _no you’re not_

 

“i know.”

 

“i love you.” _no you don’t_

 

“i know.”

 

and the quiet returns.


End file.
